How to Celebrate Festivus in 5 Steps

If you find tinsel distracting and love Seinfeld, you will want to celebrate Festivus. Here’s how.

Festivus for the rest of us

Festivus, the anti-consumerism holiday has been celebrated by Seinfeld fans every December 23rd since its conception twenty years ago. The joyous thing about Festivus is that it doesn’t take much to into the mood. Just follow these steps:


1. Get a pole

You must have an aluminum pole somewhere. You want it to be “very high strength-to-weight ratio”. And don’t worry about the decorations – they’re distracting. Just leave the pole plain and unadorned beauty. If you don’t have a pole handy, you can always order one fromĀ FesivusPoles.com, but it’s better if you make your own.


2. The Feast

 

Meatloaf is a traditional Festivus plate. Ideally, it’ll be plated on top o a bed of lettuce.


3. Air your grievances

Before eating, everyone will need to listen to you tell them how they’ve disappointed you this year. It’s a really healthy ritual. Even Sen. Rand Paul has done it.


4. The Feasts of Strength

As host, you’ll want to test your strength and wrestle one of the guests. This is best after the protein-filled dinner. In the words of Frank Constanza, the holiday isn’t over until the head of the household is pinned. The guest can only decline the challenge if he or she has something more important to do, as working a double shift.


5. Any non-routine events are Festivus miracles

You carried all your groceries into the house in one trip. The subway didn’t smell for the first time ever. You ran into your friend you’ve been meaning to call. All these would be examples of Fesivus miracles. Be sure to exclaim proudly when you realize it as such.


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